How You See Yourself: Change Your App

One of the old-timers where I worked used to say, when we had to move from one job to another, “Ya gotta change the cassette”, meaning you had to put yourself in job X mode, which was different from job Y mode. We would tease him that nobody knew what a cassette was anymore and that he should tell people to change their app. Regardless, the point was you had to change your mindset. I was reminded of this recently when I found myself in a new job that wasn’t turning out to be what I expected at all.

Old Ways Die Hard

It started out as a reasonable number of part-time hours a week. Then there was the mention of the opportunity for more hours. As I begin the training process, it became evident that there was an going to be an obligation to do extra hours. Up to and past full-time hours.

There was a time, early in my career, when I was thrilled to do more hours. I felt needed. I was learning, I was making good money. It was a great career with lots of growth potential. doing lots of hours and crazy overtime was a routing I’d been in for years. Naturally, I began slipping back into that mode, that way of thinking. Like an old pair of shoes, it was just the go-to.  I began running that old job app: I could work around the hours,  after a while I’d get some seniority and there’d be a new person stuck with the random hours and split shifts. It was a great corporation.

Mind the Gap

Wait a minute! Wrong app! I left a full-time job to write. I’m not that person anymore. That’s not what’s right for me. Now granted I’m writing this during a Mars-Uranus square when that feeling of I don’t like that and I’m not gonna take it anymore! is running pretty high. Mars makes us take a stand. Uranus is rebellious and wants to break the tension of the unacceptable. A second look is warranted. But I came to the same conclusion: I was running the wrong app for my new, present day self. That’s not who I was anymore. Cliché but true.

How do you see yourself? How do you evaluate yourself goes a long way to the manner in which you present yourself and what you were willing to accept and what you’re going to reject. Are your actions in line with your vision of self? Is there cohesion or a gap?

It was a close call when I started going down the old path, running the old program. I was the eager new hire wanting to do well, wanting to please, being professional. Astrologically I’m a Venus girl, we like harmony.

Rebooting the Program

Then I remembered I’m not that not me now. I’m not at the start of a career. I’m actually past the end and I have to act in accordance to the way I see myself. And beyond that it was tied to values and limitsBoundaries. What was important now? But I still felt nervous when I sent the email announcing I was opting out. There were still some shreds of that rookie trying to conform and not make waves.

My heart was actually pounding as I hit send and I kept thinking what if this is a mistake? And then, as it’s usually the case, I began talking to myself. Why is it a mistake? Are you still going be able to put food on the table? Clothe yourself? Pay for the roof over your head? Is there some great opportunity there that you’re missing out on?

Old Fears, Old Patterns

Old fears and old patterns are so intertwined. I was financially OK. It didn’t matter what they thought, this wasn’t my career. I had to keep reminding myself that that wasn’t the plan. I didn’t want to do insane hours anymore and put my job ahead of everything and everyone.

I’m not saying that my new image of me is a rude, impolite person with no regard for others. But what I am saying is it’s so easy to slip back into old patterns. It’s easy to start acting and doing in a familiar way that you don’t like to but that corresponds to an old comfortable pattern. As usual, I took to my journal and wrote it all down. I made two columns: old approach and consequences, new priorities and outlook. I think I’ll have to keep rereading to remind myself.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

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